Is It Okay to Want Your Therapist to Be Your Friend?
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and also a client who has my own psychotherapist, I've often wondered how we think about what matters in a therapist-client relationship. Would you and your therapist be friends, if your relationship did not exist through therapy? Does the hypothetical "friend factor" of a therapist matter? As is often the answer to many questions explored in therapy, it depends.
Because of the need for trust and emotional safety in a therapeutic relationship, the concept of "goodness of fit" is a big deal in the therapy world. Therapy is an investment of time and money; it is a practice in vulnerability and a space for self-reflection; for some, it is an outlet for talking about the things that feel too hard to talk about with anyone else.
There are many factors that can contribute to a therapist being the “right fit,” or not. Though not meant to be a checklist to complete, here are a few factors you may want to consider when reflecting on this for yourself:
Approach: Specialties or areas of expertise.
Style: Informal, conversational, goal-oriented, process-oriented, short-term, and/or long-term.
Experience: Years in the field, amount of training, and past professional experiences
Personality: Individual qualities that may impact how you experience or feel around someone.
Insurance: This matters if you need a therapist who is in-network with your insurance plan; many therapists can also work with you through out-of-network benefits if your plan allows for that.
Although therapists do not disclose much about their own lives - ethically, this is only appropriate if self-disclosure makes sense in the context of the client’s treatment - clients may be drawn to certain therapists if there is a sense of shared experience, such as identity, representation, and/or roles. For example, many of my clients know that I am a mom. Although sessions with my clients are not a time for me to process my own experiences in this role - I have my own therapist for that! - sometimes, the sense of “she gets it,” matters.
Now, back to the “friend factor.” By virtue of how a therapeutic relationship works, it is in fact, not a friendship. So for some, wondering if you and your therapist would be friends does not provide much helpful feedback about how qualified someone is to work with and support you. That’s okay! While for others, thinking of your therapist as a friend you can talk to about anything, helps. That’s okay too! What matters is how you feel when you are in session with your therapist, and how the process of therapy is (hopefully) impacting your life outside of the session - in your relationships with friends, spouses/partners, siblings, parents, colleagues, and/or yourself.
A bit about me… My name is Marissa Gray, LCSW. I am the founder and owner of Gray Therapy Group, PLLC, located in the North Shore suburbs of Chicago, and providing psychotherapy services for individuals in Chicago and the Chicagoland suburbs. I specialize in providing psychotherapy for women, with expertise in: managing anxiety, setting healthy boundaries, navigating stressors in parenting, supporting pregnant and postpartum moms in managing their perinatal mental health needs, and exploring ways to live a life rooted in your values. All sessions take place via Telehealth, providing clients with additional flexibility for therapy to work well in the logistics of their lives.
For more information about starting therapy with Gray Therapy Group or to request a free 10-minute consultation to explore your own “goodness of fit” with Marissa Gray, LCSW, email marissa@graytherapygroup.com or call 847.834.9189. You can also visit our website at www.graytherapygroup.com or our Instagram page at @graytherapygroup.
