Self-Compassion: Am I Doing it Wrong?
Has anyone ever told you, “You’re being too hard on yourself,” or, “You shouldn’t feel guilty about that”? Or have you ever said to yourself, “I shouldn’t have said that,” or “If I only I didn’t worry so much”? Comments like these, even if well-intended from someone else, or an attempt of “tough love” for yourself, often make a hard situation worse or an overwhelming thought even scarier, minimizing how you actually are feeling for the version of how you “should” feel.
We cannot fully avoid hearing from others or telling ourselves comments like these. We cannot control what other people say, nor can we control our own thoughts. We can, however, begin to observe them. To notice them and pause. To remind ourselves that “thoughts are just thoughts,” and just because a thought is showing up, does not mean it is true. This is not an ask to ignore those thoughts, but instead, to be curious about them without latching onto them…
What triggered these thoughts?
Have I felt this way before?
How am I feeling right now?
Where in my body do I notice these emotions?
What does my body need right now?
What are my emotional needs right now?
All of these questions can help us shift focus to our emotions - how we are feeling, why that matters, and what those feelings need. Building emotional awareness is a step toward practicing self-compassion. This can be a powerful tool in moving through uncomfortable emotions.
So, why is self-compassion so hard? Mistreatment in childhood, behaviors learned from parents or caretakers, experiences of depression and/or perfectionism, and/or societal expectations are all examples of why it can be so difficult to be kind to yourself. Sometimes, you might even think, “I’m not even good at being kind to myself.” It is okay to have those thoughts, and it is okay to try on what it feels like, not automatically to believe them.
Self-compassion is a practice. No one is perfect at it right away or every time. It might not even bring immediate relief. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. In fact, an example of self-compassion could be the gentle reminder to yourself that “I can feel this emotion and also remember that I did the best I could, or that I would like to try it differently next time.” The emotion itself, even an uncomfortable one, is a reminder that you are human. You have feelings. Let’s allow them to be there, and practice ways to take care of them.
A bit about me… My name is Marissa Gray, LCSW. I am the founder and owner of Gray Therapy Group, PLLC, located in the North Shore suburbs of Chicago, and providing psychotherapy services for individuals in Chicago and the Chicagoland suburbs. I specialize in providing psychotherapy for women, with expertise in: managing anxiety, setting healthy boundaries, navigating stressors in parenting, supporting pregnant and postpartum moms in managing their perinatal mental health needs, and exploring ways to live a life rooted in your values. All sessions take place via Telehealth, providing clients with additional flexibility for therapy to work well in the logistics of their lives.
For more information about starting therapy with Gray Therapy Group or to request a free 10-minute consultation with Marissa Gray, LCSW, email marissa@graytherapygroup.com or call 847.834.9189. You can also visit our website at www.graytherapygroup.com or our Instagram page at @graytherapygroup.
