The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. Although this may be true for some and true sometimes, for others, these portrayals can feel like pressure:

…pressure to pretend that challenging family dynamics do not exist,

…pressure to say yes to more responsibilities and commitments when you are at or past your limit,

…pressure to show up even when navigating grief and loss, and/or

…pressure to uphold roles and relationship dynamics that are emotionally draining for you.

Ultimately, this means that holidays come to represent a source of stress or even dread. Existing in emotional overwhelm for the purpose of “performing holiday joy” is a pattern that can take a significant toll on your emotional well-being. As we inch closer to the upcoming winter holidays, we must remember that identifying and setting clear boundaries is a crucial part of self-care, and for some - self-preservation - during these “must be joyful” times.

1. Understand Your Limits & Identify Typical Patterns

Before the festivities kick into high gear, take a moment to reflect on what you can realistically handle. Consider your time, energy, and emotional capacity. Are there certain events that drain you? Recognizing your limits is the first step in setting boundaries. By identifying your limits and understanding the patterns that often lead to perpetually existing outside of your limits, you can begin to recognize options for change that are within your control - including boundaries to set.

2. Communicate Clearly & Reduce the Mental Load

Once you know your boundaries, communicate them to family and friends. Whether it’s declining an invitation or expressing your need for quiet time, clear communication can prevent misunderstandings. Consider the toll that the “mental load” takes on your experience leading up to and during the holidays. Ask yourself questions like:

What expectations do I have for myself and for others?

What do I want to share and hope that others understand?

How can the division of labor of choosing, purchasing and wrapping gifts be shared?

What can I delegate that will actually be helpful and to whom?

Questions like these allow for self-reflection and accountability for the things you want - and need to - to speak up about. As Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, describes, “Considering [the] list of holiday tasks and traditions, take an honest inventory of what you and your family most value” (read more about what fair play during the holidays looks like here).

And when it comes to communicating about attending events that you do not have time for or do not want to be part of, remember, “I cannot make it this year” is an answer. You do not owe more explanation than that.

3. Prioritize Self-Care

Amidst the holiday chaos, prioritize your self-care routine. This could mean setting aside time for activities that recharge you, whether it’s reading, exercising, or spending time alone. Give yourself permission to protect this time. When you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to engage with others. Beyond the type of self-care that is represented by activities, consider how to make values-based decisions as a form of self-care that can help you move through decisions that may feel challenging or overwhelming. Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, psychiatrist and author of Real Self Care, reminds us that being intentional about our values-based self-talk can be a critical way to practice self-care and to nurture our emotional well-being.

4. Identify Your Emotional Triggers

The holidays can bring up complicated emotions, specifically emotions that are triggered by challenging dynamics in relationships, differing political views, grief and loss, or feelings of loneliness. Additionally, emotional triggers during the holiday season can be rooted in patterns of who does the planning and execution of holiday traditions. Whether rooted in heteronormative gender roles or people pleasing expectations, these triggers can make for a holiday season where you feel stuck in “flight/flight/freeze/fawn” mode, or where the overwhelm and overstimulation of the needs of others limit your ability to access joy. Start by Identifying what and/or who triggers you and establish boundaries around those topics or situations. Invite yourself to say to others, “I do not want to talk about that” or to say it to yourself and remove yourself if the trigger remains.

5. Limit Your Commitments

Both internal expectations (i.e, people pleasing patterns) and external expectations (i.e., social media content) can place added pressure to “do it all” during the holidays, overriding your needs and overcommitting instead, especially for women and moms and societal expectations of who does what. Pause before you accept an invitation or add another plan. Review your calendar and prioritize events that truly matter to you. It’s okay to say no to activities that don’t align with your interests or values, even if it feels uncomfortable to decline.

6. Practice Assertiveness

Give yourself permission to be direct and clear about your needs and limits. Although others may not agree with, understand, or respect your boundaries, clarity about your emotional needs is a necessary practice of self-respect and worthiness. The holiday season is allowed to meet your needs, and that requires awareness and assertion of those needs.

7. Reflect On Progress & Challenges

After the holidays, take some time to reflect on what worked and what didn’t. What boundaries helped you enjoy the season? What challenges did you face? Notice if you are judging yourself - “I should have gone to that event” or “I cannot believe I did that even though I did not want to” - and practice self-compassion instead. This might sound like, “It feels so hard to make decisions that are best for me,” or “I am still learning what my needs are and how to set boundaries that meet those needs.” Normalize for yourself that setting boundaries around the holidays may feel many ways - you may notice feelings of relief, discomfort, hesitation, worry, resentment, gratitude, and more.

Setting boundaries during the holidays is essential for maintaining your mental health and emotional well-being. By understanding your limits, communicating clearly, and prioritizing self-care, you can move through the season on your own terms.

Gray Therapy Group specializes in psychotherapy for women’s mental health, perinatal mental health, and maternal mental health. For more information about starting therapy with Gray Therapy Group or to request a free 15-minute consultation with Marissa Gray, LCSW, PMH-C email marissa@graytherapygroup.com. You can also visit our website at www.graytherapygroup.com or our Instagram page at @graytherapygroup.

Navigating the Holidays: The Power - and Necessity - of Setting Boundaries