How to Navigate Motherhood Without Losing Yourself
Although this blog uses the terms “motherhood” and “moms,” this post is not intended to be exclusionary to anyone who identifies as a parent.
As a therapist, a mom, and a therapist who works with a lot of moms, the idea of motherhood is significant in my life. I am struck by how complex the roles of mama/mommy/mom are, and how these roles can be impacted by pressure put upon us and/or that we put on ourselves. This type of pressure might sound like “I should be able to do it all” and “be grateful, this phase won’t last long.” Phrases and feedback like these, even if well intentioned, are often harmful. They reinforce unfair, and often gendered expectations, and can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
From a mental health perspective, we can see the toll this is taking on the emotional well-being of moms. This has to change. But how? Though not meant to be a fully comprehensive to-do list - and with the true understanding that there are many more structural and systemic changes needed in order to foster the type support that mothers need - we can explore some options to begin to prioritize the emotional well-being of moms.
1. Use language that accurately portrays your experience
The concepts of “default parent” and “the mental load” are present in so many conversations I have during individual psychotherapy sessions with clients. These terms, if they resonate with one’s experience, can be a useful starting point in how mothers can make sense of their experiences. Learn about these terms, notice how you feel when thinking about if and how these terms apply to you, and consider what it might be like to share your knowledge and how you are feeling with a spouse, co-parent, partner, or friend.
2. Seek social support
Social connection that feels supportive and emotionally safe is an important protective factor to the overwhelm and stress of motherhood, and a reminder that in addition to being a mom, you have other roles and identities - such as, friend - too. Although time, energy, and child care options can be significant barriers, begin by trying to consider what feels doable. Perhaps this looks like spending time with a friend, or maybe texting that friend if the logistics of planning currently feel like too much right now. There is not a “right” way to welcome back other parts of yourself. Those parts are already there - try to invite them into your decision-making.
3. Consider therapy
From pregnancy to postpartum to parenthood, holding the role of “mom” can be a profound change to someone’s identity. Even if the change is welcomed and wanted - and perhaps especially so - it can feel challenging, overwhelming, isolating, and confusing. Individual psychotherapy can be an emotionally safe space to talk about these challenges, to identify the feelings of shame, and to explore the complexities of identity in motherhood. Emotional distress is likely to increase and feel less manageable without support through validation, normalization, and interventions for coping. Additionally, for those navigating pregnancy and postpartum, therapy can provide significant support for the individual’s perinatal mental health. Maternal mental health matters greatly. This is an invitation to begin - or continue - to prioritize it.
Gray Therapy Group specializes in psychotherapy for women. For more information about starting therapy with Gray Therapy Group or to request a free 15-minute consultation with Marissa Gray, LCSW email marissa@graytherapygroup.com or call 847.834.9189. You can also visit our website at www.graytherapygroup.com or our Instagram page at @graytherapygroup.
